I am starting this blog to hopefully have an anonymous outlet for my feelings.  I am a Dad to a special needs child.  I don’t really know what will come out here; I just know I need to get some things off of my chest.

To begin, I will provide some background information, but nothing so specific that someone could identify me.  I don’t want to be identified.  I just want to talk.  I don’t care if anybody listens.

I am probably what is considered to be “mid life.”  Maybe part of my problem is that I am going through a mid-life crisis.  Who knows?  I live in the Eastern United States.  I have a decent job, an intact family, a sufficient place to live.

My special needs child is nearly a teenager.  My child is unable to walk or talk and pretty much relies on someone else for nearly everything.  This isn’t a new condition for us as part of this condition manifested itself at birth, without any warning.  There were things that happened later on that made the situation worse.

Up until recently, I have been able to hold in my thoughts and feelings, but now it is become more difficult to do so.  I had a breakdown, not like going to the hospital to be committed, but a “I can’t hold this in any longer and I have to let my feelings out.”

I have read the “Welcome to Holland!” story that gets passed around to people who are in this situation.  It used to give me comfort.  It now nearly makes me heave uncontrollably that I am so sick of it.  To me, now, it is just a reminder that things will never be as they were or as I planned them to be.  To be fair, I understand that the person who wrote the story means well.

My child has become increasingly more difficult to handle in various situations.  It is not a destructive difficulty, but it makes life very difficult.  Imagine having an 18-month-old trapped in a teenager’s body.  It is that type of difficulty.  There are times when things go smoothly, but when they go wrong, it is completely unexpected; and there is nothing you can do except endure it.

I have other children who are considered “typical.”  I have found it very unfair that we have to break away from things they are doing because my SNC (“Special Needs Child”) can no longer handle what is going on.  We have tried medications and various methods to handle the mood swings, but nothing seems to help…for any length of time.

There is progress for my SNC, being able to overcome some obstacles to even a short degree.  Day-to-day, it doesn’t look like much, but over the past several years, the progress can be seen.  It used to be that those shining moments would alleviate the pain, at least for a little while, and I could just keep going.  That is not to say that I am unhappy with the progress achieved.

The biggest problem comes day-to-day when my child will be in the bedroom and/or bed and constantly moan and wail.  Sometimes it escalates to full-on screams and screeches.  The sounds coming from my house sound an awful lot like you might think an insane asylum would sound in some horror movies.  This wears on a person more than you might think.

I know reading just this one post that it may not sound so bad, but several years have just been condensed into a 10-minute read.

I’ll post some more information later.  I probably should have been doing this all along.